helenpaige

not for this place

2004-10-21T01:33:27Z

The sun rises and sinks yet again
And I'm no farther than where I began
Scaling over mountain tops I only climb to see
Maybe I'm not for this place after all.

Vagabonds on this earth called home
All lost and desperate to find
Youth and happiness, purpose and design.
yeah, maybe we're not for this place after all.

Something's got to change, this feels so wrong
When I get everything for which I long
And I'm still not satisfied
If you could see the tears I've cried
Take me to that place where I belong.

Look at us, what have we become?
When we are all together but each is alone
In a room of crowed people not one of us feels known
Maybe we're not for this place after all

Something's got to change, this feels so wrong
When I get everything for which I long
And I'm still not satisfied
If you could see the tears I've cried
Take me to that place where I belong
Take me to that place where I belong

New Kitten!

2004-08-04T12:57:26Z

After only two weeks of marriage I got a kitten. Joe and I joke that marriage got boring really fast, so we had to adopt a kitty, but really we weren't bored. Her name is Nala. She's just a little over three pounds now. Nala is quite possibly the best soccer player I have ever seen. Her favorite toy is a plastic ball with a bell and piece of catnip in it, but her newest toy is this bird-rat feathery thing. She carries it in her mouth throws it in the air and then tackles it. She also bats it around the floor. She's really a sweet kitten, but she's had some not-so-bright moments, like when she fell into the toilet early Sunday morning. We tried to teach her not to scratch things and jump on the bed by using a squirt bottle, but it didn't phase her. She just kept jumping on the bed but was very confused as to why she was so wet. Now we just keep her out of the bed room. This works until the alarm goes off and she comes and cries and paws at the door. She also loves playing hide and go seek with me. Nala gets these goofy bug eyes when she plays. The only conflict we have is that I make neat piles of mess and papers in the living room, and Nala destroys them.

YEA THOUGH I WALK

2004-05-12T11:57:21Z

Here in this secret place I wait for You only to realize it is You who
has been waiting for me. Distracted by the pictures on the wall, the
music in the background, or maybe just the thoughts in my head, I
failed to feel Your presence. But now You move through me like
waves of emotions that I don’t know how to express. All I know is
that I am overcome and these words I don’t know how to form on my
lips come out as tears. You make me to lie in the green pastures
otherwise I would walk right through them and miss fragrance of the
flowers and the soft grass tickling the back of my neck as You lay
there beside me. Sweeter love I could never know and yet I don’t
even know the fullness of Yours.

~Paige Rollins
12/10/01

helenpaige @ 2004-05-01T16:09:00

2004-05-01T20:09:58Z

chances are
you would not recognize me inside or out
passions change
expressions have a new edge of cynicism

where have you been
and why now do you return
i do not need guilt friendships
    it's been so long since we talked
    we should catch up
    how is your family

do you know me?
did you ever?
and after we catch up, what then, what next
    we will have to do it again sometime

sure, of course, we will
i do not blame you
but we come to a point of letting go
when we have to see that reminiscing
it is just that.

stripped down

2004-04-16T04:47:18Z

stripped down
to just me
and my knobby knees
i cannot fool you anymore
my belly button is funny
so my brother and sister say
i have always liked it
the way it hides
especially after dinner
but what if these layers
this flesh and bone
the shell of me
were gone
stripped down
to just me
and my timid soul
i could not fool me anymore
my heart is good
so many people say
i have never liked it
the way it hides
especially from pain
and so i wear these layers
this pride and humility
the shell of me

helenpaige @ 2004-04-16T00:11:00

2004-04-16T04:18:30Z

joe is gone to the smokies for 10 days of work. i have 2 - 20 page papers to write. the lease ends may 9th. i have to decide if i am going to work towards a masters or phd now. joe is going to the smokies again 4 days after he gets back. a lot is going on... but the bussier i get, the number i feel.

really, i would like to write something beautiful and truthful but i have traded in truth and beauty for a flat iron and cute discount easter stuffed animals.

time #3

2004-04-07T13:57:09Z

TIME

we have enslaved ourselves to TIME
chained our wrists to him
mounted his watchful eye high on walls of our most private rooms
we have allowed him rule over our lives
he tells us when to wake and when to sleep
when to eat
when to make love
and he defines who we are
i am twenty three years old
i am over the hill
i am of this generation or that
i am just a kid
i am always late
and we feel that when TIME tolls certain bells
we should have made up our minds
where we will go
what we will be
and what we ought to have accomplished
we treat TIME as currency
and judge others on how much they have spent
and how much they have left
his incessant ticking in our ear -
pennies being dropped in the bucket never to be recovered
to break free!
to spend a day without spending it
to just be and enjoy!
i used to not wear watches
i awoke when the sunlight warmed by eyelids
and sauntered to class when i saw the students
being dragged from the dorms by their wrists

time #1

2004-04-06T18:55:51Z

time groans
as he feels himself growing old
and nothing can slow him
as he mows on by
and i stand in his path
with arms stretched
palms up
and beg him to be still
stay! i strain
as i fall beneath his foot
my bones moan as i too grow old
and i know time has overcome me

Filtered thoughts

2004-04-06T02:55:17Z

I do write more than these poems and blurbs, but mostly I don't post that stuff because I don't want to be known that well. Those dark questions you find in the back of your mind late at night, well I'd rather keep those in my own head. I think there is a difference between keeping it real with people and just laying it all bare. I realized a couple years back that because I am a pretty blunt and open person (sometimes lacking tact) people tend to think of me a such - open - but really I filter it all. Some folks have known me deeper some folks think they know me well... and I think I am much more complicated than I really am :o). I have always said that I don't care if people know my dirt as long as it doesn't start hurting them. That is why I am so hesitant to build and maintain close friendships. I would rather not hurt people. It is sad because friendships so far have come pretty easy to me in that they are easy to begin. Recently I had a good lesson on that one though. And so now I work on opening up... little pieces at a time.

helenpaige @ 2004-04-05T15:11:00

2004-04-05T19:24:22Z

it always comes back to this
thinking you are mad at me
but being too lazy to change
sometimes
i think i would rather stay in bad graces
than to fall from grace again
the longer i stay down
my bones ache
i eat and the hunger grows
it takes an internal pep rally
to roll from one side of the bed to the other
and i have almost forgotten
passion
warmth
feeling
i close my eyes to remember
no thoughts come
just a peaceless stillness
not exactly waiting
just doing the respiration thing
breathing
the same hot air under the bed sheets

survey flop yet again

2004-03-04T21:17:55Z

this afternoon i tried to go out surveying and once again had equipment problems. most of the time it is just because i don't know how to use the machines... but it makes me feel very very dumb. speaking of feeling dumb and coming down on myself, this goes back to the whole grace thing. i expect way too much of myself and when i fail, even if it really isn't my fault, i get so mad at myself. when other people fail me, i get mad at them too. i think there's a connection between me not knowing how to accept grace and me not being able to give it to myself and others.

thoughts on grace

2004-03-04T16:59:04Z

it hit me the other day at v21 that i really am awful at accepting grace and giving grace. tyler said something about god making us right with himself and it hit me that yeah, i am already right with god. why then do i keep trying to make myself right with him? why do i live with the mentality that i am not right with him? why is it that i keep trying to earn my salvation? in the past, i have thought this attitude of never being good enough for god, or always having to work toward him was humility. i see now that it is arrogance in believing that i have any power whatsoever to make myself better in his sight. it is arrogant to think that i could make god love me anymore than he already does.