Date:	2004-10-20 21:28
Subject:	not for this place
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

The sun rises and sinks yet again
And I'm no farther than where I began
Scaling over mountain tops I only climb to see
Maybe I'm not for this place after all.

Vagabonds on this earth called home
All lost and desperate to find
Youth and happiness, purpose and design.
yeah, maybe we're not for this place after all.

Something's got to change, this feels so wrong
When I get everything for which I long
And I'm still not satisfied
If you could see the tears I've cried
Take me to that place where I belong.

Look at us, what have we become?
When we are all together but each is alone
In a room of crowed people not one of us feels known
Maybe we're not for this place after all

Something's got to change, this feels so wrong
When I get everything for which I long
And I'm still not satisfied
If you could see the tears I've cried
Take me to that place where I belong
Take me to that place where I belong

After only two weeks of marriage I got a kitten. Joe and I joke that marriage got boring really fast, so we had to adopt a kitty, but really we weren't bored. Her name is Nala. She's just a little over three pounds now. Nala is quite possibly the best soccer player I have ever seen. Her favorite toy is a plastic ball with a bell and piece of catnip in it, but her newest toy is this bird-rat feathery thing. She carries it in her mouth throws it in the air and then tackles it. She also bats it around the floor. She's really a sweet kitten, but she's had some not-so-bright moments, like when she fell into the toilet early Sunday morning. We tried to teach her not to scratch things and jump on the bed by using a squirt bottle, but it didn't phase her. She just kept jumping on the bed but was very confused as to why she was so wet. Now we just keep her out of the bed room. This works until the alarm goes off and she comes and cries and paws at the door. She also loves playing hide and go seek with me. Nala gets these goofy bug eyes when she plays. The only conflict we have is that I make neat piles of mess and papers in the living room, and Nala destroys them.

Here in this secret place I wait for You only to realize it is You who
has been waiting for me. Distracted by the pictures on the wall, the
music in the background, or maybe just the thoughts in my head, I
failed to feel Your presence. But now You move through me like
waves of emotions that I don’t know how to express. All I know is
that I am overcome and these words I don’t know how to form on my
lips come out as tears. You make me to lie in the green pastures
otherwise I would walk right through them and miss fragrance of the
flowers and the soft grass tickling the back of my neck as You lay
there beside me. Sweeter love I could never know and yet I don’t
even know the fullness of Yours.

~Paige Rollins
12/10/01

chances are
you would not recognize me inside or out
passions change
expressions have a new edge of cynicism

where have you been
and why now do you return
i do not need guilt friendships
    it's been so long since we talked
    we should catch up
    how is your family

do you know me?
did you ever?
and after we catch up, what then, what next
    we will have to do it again sometime

sure, of course, we will
i do not blame you
but we come to a point of letting go
when we have to see that reminiscing
it is just that.

lull me with the heavy strings
the slow peaceful moan
as the bow glides to and fro
you carry the song, you set the tone
your bellows make me feel
i know this void that you fill with reverberation
there wells emotion
remembrance of a time
a place
a certain honesty my soul has fallen asleep to
and as the notes carry on
i loose myself
only for moments
but these moments move me
they melt away vanity
obsession with the now
the how
the why
your song winds down and soft you grow
lights dim to a low glow
and the room is still
silence is as it should be

stripped down
to just me
and my knobby knees
i cannot fool you anymore
my belly button is funny
so my brother and sister say
i have always liked it
the way it hides
especially after dinner
but what if these layers
this flesh and bone
the shell of me
were gone
stripped down
to just me
and my timid soul
i could not fool me anymore
my heart is good
so many people say
i have never liked it
the way it hides
especially from pain
and so i wear these layers
this pride and humility
the shell of me

joe is gone to the smokies for 10 days of work. i have 2 - 20 page papers to write. the lease ends may 9th. i have to decide if i am going to work towards a masters or phd now. joe is going to the smokies again 4 days after he gets back. a lot is going on... but the bussier i get, the number i feel.

really, i would like to write something beautiful and truthful but i have traded in truth and beauty for a flat iron and cute discount easter stuffed animals.

you should not have left when you did
you may have lived your life
but mine is ahead of me
i wanted you to be there
i thought about you the other day
four years later and tears still come to my eyes
it was about this time of year when i knew you were leaving us
spring
this time of year when the world is just growing green
when there is promise of life
for so many years you influenced my life
and in one season you upset my world
i am not angry
i miss you

TIME

we have enslaved ourselves to TIME
chained our wrists to him
mounted his watchful eye high on walls of our most private rooms
we have allowed him rule over our lives
he tells us when to wake and when to sleep
when to eat
when to make love
and he defines who we are
i am twenty three years old
i am over the hill
i am of this generation or that
i am just a kid
i am always late
and we feel that when TIME tolls certain bells
we should have made up our minds
where we will go
what we will be
and what we ought to have accomplished
we treat TIME as currency
and judge others on how much they have spent
and how much they have left
his incessant ticking in our ear -
pennies being dropped in the bucket never to be recovered
to break free!
to spend a day without spending it
to just be and enjoy!
i used to not wear watches
i awoke when the sunlight warmed by eyelids
and sauntered to class when i saw the students
being dragged from the dorms by their wrists

Winking at time....

Maybe it is the short man's complex that makes him rule over me
telling me how he's all i've got
make the most of me,
don't waste me,
i am slipping through your fingers
but yes time is short and i know this everyday
and i live short time walk short time breathe short time...
but that is where it stops.
Time's got me for these few years and he may laugh
but in the end life is beyond even him...
I may think in a line and may live life in a line
but one day i will break free
and see that Mister Time was just a fine lens i was forced to gaze through
and discover that life is beyond birth and death
beyond the food water air and sunlight,
beyond the words and thoughts
and i learn there are some things that time can never change
such as truth, love, or a soul...
As time passes me by, he nods with a grin
and i wink back.

time groans
as he feels himself growing old
and nothing can slow him
as he mows on by
and i stand in his path
with arms stretched
palms up
and beg him to be still
stay! i strain
as i fall beneath his foot
my bones moan as i too grow old
and i know time has overcome me

little rays of sunshine
standing in clusters
jonquils, young spawns of narcissus
sound your trumpets for me
give me a spring time tune
so that i may dance down the road
to the sights and sounds of youth
your beauty is unparalleled
amidts the people scurrying about
there was a time when they might have paused
pressed their noses to your petals
but see how they have grown old
cold and consumed with cares for themselves
they must spend hours hovering near the glass
straightening eyebrows and slicking hair
turning down the collar just so
and throughout the day
they return to the glass to just check
to brush away the bread crumb from the chin
i laugh as you laugh
together we laugh
despite the stench from cars
as they viciously va-room
going nowhere important far too fast
for we took the time to learn these secrets
shine and stand proudly as you are
sing sweetly
and never look in the mirror
lest you never look away

I do write more than these poems and blurbs, but mostly I don't post that stuff because I don't want to be known that well. Those dark questions you find in the back of your mind late at night, well I'd rather keep those in my own head. I think there is a difference between keeping it real with people and just laying it all bare. I realized a couple years back that because I am a pretty blunt and open person (sometimes lacking tact) people tend to think of me a such - open - but really I filter it all. Some folks have known me deeper some folks think they know me well... and I think I am much more complicated than I really am :o). I have always said that I don't care if people know my dirt as long as it doesn't start hurting them. That is why I am so hesitant to build and maintain close friendships. I would rather not hurt people. It is sad because friendships so far have come pretty easy to me in that they are easy to begin. Recently I had a good lesson on that one though. And so now I work on opening up... little pieces at a time.

it always comes back to this
thinking you are mad at me
but being too lazy to change
sometimes
i think i would rather stay in bad graces
than to fall from grace again
the longer i stay down
my bones ache
i eat and the hunger grows
it takes an internal pep rally
to roll from one side of the bed to the other
and i have almost forgotten
passion
warmth
feeling
i close my eyes to remember
no thoughts come
just a peaceless stillness
not exactly waiting
just doing the respiration thing
breathing
the same hot air under the bed sheets

i am going to the beach tomorrow! so what if it is cold.

i have gazed upon oceans tides as they rolled across the shore
i have seen the darkness of its depths and longed to know it more
i have sat on mountains' ledges high and leaned forward off the rim
i have watched cascades plummet down and longed to take a swim
i have turned my ear toward winds sweet calls and sworn i heard my name
but i have stood beneath the morning star and chosen to remain

i am home in chattavegus (chattanooga) to do some more wedding planning and go to the eye doctor. my brother's birthday was yesterday, and along with some cds, i got him a green irish plastic hat and shiny beads to wear. he humored me and wore them well. my mom got a pottery wheel for christmas so joe and i have been trying to throw some pots.. i think i should stick to drawing. joe should stick to wood working. we are having fun. i had better go before i get clay all over the keyboard. later!

driblets of spring
wriggle into my bed covers
through windowsill gaps
around my bare toes
little promises of change
flutter in my chest
my eyes hazy from sleep
flicker, groggily
and focus the soft light
the dark dreams on my mind
break from reality
pictures and sounds flash
and are gone

we do the expected. follow the path that is just a stone's toss away from where our real passions lie. blazing on (or is it a hurried walk of unsettledness?) convinced that our causes are noble, that all humans make comprimises. we reluctantly live our lives. but what is living a life? if this is it, then why do we feel so dead? useless? like we are wasting a world of possibilites. children dream big, vivid, loud, the completely obtainable impossible. then children go to college, or they get their first job, or they enter the military, or they get hit with something huge that throws them into survival mode instead of arrival mode, the longing of a deeply desired detination. for some that destination was a wild journey, for others it was a state of the soul, sometimes it was tangible like a most beautiful piece of art. what ever the dream, we become resigned to life, almost - except for the way we toss just before falling asleep, or the way when the wind hits the back of our neck in just the right time and makes us want to leap up and twirl, or the way we are scared to turn off the radio and really hear our hearts. we know the lie. we taste the bitterness of resignation. but then we see someone who is almost floating, gliding through life with more excitement, more zest than we have tasted since we played on the treehouse as a kid and hit the mean neighbor dog with walnuts from a slingshot. and something is awakened inside us, something that could be fleeting unless we drop everything, grab hold, and take that first step off the well-worn path. we leave the expected, we take risks, we live freely. the gifts and talents burst from inside and we begin to really feel alive. not the coffee-fed alertness of standig by the copy machine watching the bright lazer zip back and forth, but the alertness of daring to dream again.

your eyes
a dark murky lake
glassy surface reflecting life
its comings and goings
laughter bounces across you
and the canyons around
echo sighs
breezes ruffle your waters
still dark, still peaceful you remain
bearing the secrets of generations
generations that forever have come to your banks
to take a sip
to cool sunburned faces
stooping at your edge
i try to see inside
but i am greeted by my own inquisitive stare
in moments of silence between us
i have pondered diving in
to see you, really see you
but i would be seen
every curve
line
every awkward movement of my hands
no longer hidden in pockets
or my shirt sleeves
stretched out from years of nervous fidgeting
beneath your surface I want to see
how light refracts
how you interpret truth, perceive love
how you contort the pain
i want you to bend me
twist the rigidness out of my life
smooth the edges
make me glide
i perch, bottom hovering just above the ground
with my arms wrapped around my knees
rocking forward and back
you look back at me
knowing everything
revealing nothing

this afternoon i tried to go out surveying and once again had equipment problems. most of the time it is just because i don't know how to use the machines... but it makes me feel very very dumb. speaking of feeling dumb and coming down on myself, this goes back to the whole grace thing. i expect way too much of myself and when i fail, even if it really isn't my fault, i get so mad at myself. when other people fail me, i get mad at them too. i think there's a connection between me not knowing how to accept grace and me not being able to give it to myself and others.